9th May 2016

I need a routine.

I need to quit the bad habits that I’ve allowed to worsen. I need to break the cycle that is keeping me in the same place mentally. I need to find the courage to work towards happiness and peace. I need to leave my comfort zone. I need to do all of the things I’ve always known I have to do, but have never committed to.

I need to start living.

I feel lost, and alone, even when I know I have people around me who care. It’s more that I don’t feel like myself any more. Like I don’t even know who I am. I spend all my time mentally refusing to accept the things in my life that I don’t enjoy, or disagree with, and no time at all physically making the effort to rid my life of what makes me unhappy, and embrace what does.

I’ve been so obsessed about avoiding the comfort zone that I’ve ended up there anyway out of fear. I’ve spent so long being in denial about my life, because that means admitting that I’m not happy with it, and that I’m the only one who can do something about it. That I’m responsible for my own life and happiness. That I know it needs to change.

That I know I need to change.

There’s so much I want to do, to see, to become. In my head, when I’m alone, I can pretend that I’m already there, and fantasise about doing all the things that make me happy, all the things I’ve always dreamed of. I escape into fantasy worlds to avoid confronting my real life.

I used to be so sure about what I wanted to do, and who I wanted to be. And it always seemed so simple. But in a strange, childish way, I never understood that things don’t just happen, even if you can see them so clearly in your head, even if you’re sure it’s meant to be. It can only ever happen if you make it happen. If you work for it. If you believe in it.

I believe in the dream. I just don’t quite believe in myself enough yet.

I have so many doubts about myself. About everything. Doubts that weigh me down, doubts that slow me, doubts that keep me rooted where I am instead of moving forward.

I need to find a way to replace doubt with faith, and become the person I was always meant to be.

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