29th May 2015

It’s official. The money has run out.

My savings, that is. I quit my job in October, and for the last few months, I’ve been living from the money I made from that job, and anything I managed to save during my degree. And now, I have officially exhausted my funds.

So I’ve been job hunting relentlessly. Only it’s not easy to hunt for the right job when your idea of what that is seems to change by the day, or hour. I need something full-time, to get my mind focused, to have something to commit to, a challenge to fill my time. I need something part-time, so I don’t overwhelm myself with a new job, and no time to myself. I’d like an acting job, so that I can finally give it a go. I’d like a writing job, because I love to write. Ooh, how about freelance?

It’s exhausting trying to reason with a unsettled mind. The moment it’s settled on something it wants, it changes the closer it gets to achieving it.

I wonder exactly when it was that I became afraid of life.

But, I’m hoping to change that. With – dun dun dun – a routine. I know, I’ve probably talked about it on here before. I know I’ve talked about it to others before. And I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve said it to myself over the last few years.

It’s the thing I feared most when I left university, and got my first full-time job. Sitting in an office, looking around at everyone at their computers, working 9-5 from Monday to Friday every week, and thinking to myself, is this it? Is this what I have to live for for the rest of my life?

I answered the question with a firm no, and vowed never to let my life be dictated, or even trapped, by a routine.

But if the last few months have taught me anything, it’s this:

The truth is, everyone needs routine in their lives. Just a little, just enough to live by. A mind would go mad without one.

This may not be true for everyone. Some people may be so content in their minds, in their lives to wake up each day and take it completely as it comes.

I always thought I would be one of them.

But, for now at least, until I get my mind back on track, routine is called for. But it will be a routine of my design.

I will set a time to wake up each day, and stick to it, no matter how tired I feel. I will go to at least four gym classes a week. I will write for at least an hour a day. I will finish at least one painting a week.

And truly, having lived for so long now without much sense of direction, it’s almost exciting to finally be setting up a structure for myself. Even as I write it now, it doesn’t seem as much a routine as a set of goals. And I know I’ll feel better with every one I reach.

I harp on all the time about needing to challenge myself, thinking only in terms of the big picture, when I’ve been ignoring the little challenges I’m faced with every day. How amazing it will feel to actually get up early instead of sleeping in, because I feel like I have nothing better to do, to eat healthily and work out and see the results I’ve imagined in my mind for years. To finally give myself a chance not only to seize life, but to enjoy it.

Little steps in the right direction. This may seem crazy for some people, the idea of me being excited at such minute accomplishments. But after letting my life be structured by excuses for too long, I am ready, at last, to try embracing a life structured by opportunity. The opportunity to fill a day with productivity. The opportunity to start a diet and gym routine and stick to it long enough to see results. The opportunity to make the most out of my life.

Starting Monday 1st June, I’m going to try and make some changes for the better. It’s only Friday night now, but you know what? I feel better already.

I’m also going to try going sugar-free for a fortnight. Again, this might not seem a big deal to some, but it is for me. Actually much bigger than I’ve wanted to admit to myself for a long time. I’ve become dependant on sugar. I’ve always had a sweet-tooth, but never to this degree. I’d like to try and kick the habit, before the habit kicks me, and I find myself too unhealthy and too addicted to do anything about it.

As of Monday, sugar’s out. And productivity is most definitely in.

So I better get to finishing that tub of Ben & Jerry’s before then . . .

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